HEAD NUT
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
TRUCKS
Hickernut would like to offer some advice for Liberal Progressives in the mid-term elections. Campaign in a truck; Hickernut just happens to have two perfect pickups. One is a Chevrolet with over 260,000 miles, and if you are in real trouble Hickernut has a Dodge with 370,000 miles. Hickernut would be willing to trade the Chevrolet for a VW 2010 Touareg TDI, and the Dodge for a BMW X5 35D. Hickernut is not asking for boot, because this will only increase votes and in no way insures a win. To win you have to actually drive the truck.
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Head Nut:
ReplyDeleteHave you lost your marbles? You’ll be simmering deep in the fecal stew if you follow through on this half-baked plan to divest yourself of two fine American-made pickup trucks, for a German-made sports car and SUV!
First, such a display of inexplicable opulence would certainly raise questions among your neighbors. Tongues will wag, rumors will grow, until next thing you know, some gung-ho Deputy Sheriff, newly imported from Nashville will start poking around and mistake the pungent odor of your Jack Daniels distillage cattle feed for a methamphetamine lab. He’ll call in the TBI and then the slops’ really gonna hit the fan when they confiscate Mrs. Nut’s cactus garden, mistaking it for mescaline.
Second, replacing your trucks with low-slung foreign vehicles will deprive your dogs of their only source of shelter. Thanks to your newfound notoriety, kids from the other side of the holler will start poking around your place looking for the meth lab. What they’ll find is Ole Blue, panting in the noonday sun, too dehydrated to even bark. Photos will inevitably make their way onto the Internet and soon PETA activists will be marching around the Square with your face on their placards. And no, PETA doesn’t stand for People Eating Tasty Animals. Think angry Greenpeace with Gucci bags. No one in the county with or without a rifle rack is going to be happy with you.
Third, by trading ageing vehicles for newer ones, you run the risk of disrupting the ecology of the holler. For eons, old vehicles and farm implements have lived on in the yards of their owners. For the first few years of afterlife, a permanently disabled vehicle serves as a ready source of spare parts. Later, when the seats have been removed to the front porch, the shell becomes a shelter for livestock. Dogs, chickens, goats and grandkids all find a stripped vehicle irresistible. And finally, in its last incarnation, an old vehicle is an excellent erosion-prevention devise. When pushed into the ditch, trees and shrubs will quickly sprout from the rusting hulk, slowing the downhill migration of valuable topsoil. Now you’ve got the County Agent pokin’ ‘round on your property looking for the source of run-off sediment clogging the streams.
Nothing good will come out of this. You’ll provoke the ire of your neighbors, the TBI, PETA and the County by coming to the aid of some Washington wannabe. If you your heart is set on owning a piece of Teutonic technology, get an old Volkswagen Kombi pick-up and fly under the radar.
-RC
What was I thinking, even though the BMW is made in South Carolina and the VW is soon to be made in Chattanooga, I was putting liberal progressives ahead of my dogs. The BMW, and VW would most likely be bought with tainted money. With the police having such a lucrative business selling confiscated vehicles, I would no doubt become a target. It is friends like you that have always kept me on the straight and narrow.
ReplyDeleteHEAD NUT